It Is A Miracle From On High…

…that I have NOT fucking lost my collective shit and started a full on “Florida Man with Flamethrower goes completely Apeshit, Torches Town, Hundreds Dead, Women and Minorities Most Affected, Film at 11:00!!!”

Oh Holy Fuck where to start…

SO when last we had heard from The Intrepid Reporter™ his wife was trapped in a bad part of town, with the Hoopty was in “no work no more” mode with a possibly blown engine. The car is a 2020 Hyundai with only 80k miles on it, (high miles on the highway due to the whole back n’forth to Tennessee for the Adriana Saga) Normally this’s a completely unexpected thing as The ole I.R. is damned near religious about making sure the oil and filter and PMCS is done on the regular…

So, I borrow Sapper’s pickup.
Down to the darkest part of Tampa… And let me tell you, I Love me some drunken blaq diversity (at 9 the fuck A.M. mind you) getting belligerent ‘cos I didn’t have any spare change… and then? When he got a case of the stupids and started yelling at me, (“You cheap assed Honky” or some shit like that) I ripped off my sunglasses and me blood red peepers and general “One of us is going to get seriously fucked up here, and it sure as fuck ain’t me!” attitude had him run across 4 lanes of heavy traffic to get the fuck away from the unwashed barbarian who was lusting dumb diversity blood at that point… I didn’t even say a word… just the ‘Death Stare™’ and radiating the “You. Are. Dead.” vibes positively washed over and inundated even his deteriorated cortex… He ran for his life… and to be truthful, at that particular movement in time? I think if he went from ‘stupid’ to ‘full retard’ I would have beaten him to death, as I was that angry at the world at that particular moment…


I called AAA and had a tow set up to haul the DRT (dead right there) vehicle to the Dealership. By the time I got there Gretchen had taken over (without consulting me of course) and had called corporate of the Take 5 Oil Change biddness who blew them the fuck up… got alllllll sort of promises… tow, rental car you name it, you got it…

Yeah so when I got there the Triple A truck was there and Gretchen sent him off… Because you can trust the company that probably broke our shit to be purely and absolutely impartial
<queue crazy unbelieving laughter>

Oh boy….

So then instead of following through on all the ‘happy gas’ they blew up Gretchen’s febrile female mind, instead of doing what they promised, Take 5 sent a “Manager” from the local nearest Take 5, who came out and pronounced “Not our problem, it’s got oil, and no leaks! Have a nice day!”…………………….

Volcanic Eruption in 3…2…1…

Oh yeah baby…
The voices started telling me it was time to let “Bad Big Country” out of the Mental Metaphorical Cage I keep that particular version of me locked away… TBH I don’t talk about that part of my personality… let’s just leave it that that is one BCE you never want to be on the ‘bad side’ of… he’s a combo of Dexter, John Matrix, (older fatter and slower but still) and a touch of Hannibal Lecter for good measure… I keep him ‘locked down’… It’s the only way to keep shit cool… soooooo couldn’t go nuts…. not yet….

So instead I Whoo-saaa’d like a motherfucker…

I called Triple A again and re-set up the Tow… Problem was Sapper called and said, “Bro, I know you got a lot going on, but I need my truck ASAP, I just got the two hour notice!” Sapper’s job requires him to be on-call 24-7… he makes HUGE bank because of it, but it’s some times inconvenient, like this amiright?

So now, the Quandary:
I need a rental car. Nearest place open is Tampa International. My usual ‘if I need a rental’ I go through Budget. Got a biddness account and everything. So I scheduled a one day rental, ‘cos on TOP of all OUR problems, Mom is still in the hospital, Dad is crippled and alone and we need to GTF up there ASAFP.

Any wonder why I’m stressing?
And yeah, Lord Fuck a Duck, Dad was positively blowing up the phone: “When you getting up here!?!”

I can’t catch a fookin’ break as Gran would’ve said

So while Gretchen was broke down, she had to go into one of the shops in the strip mall she’d literally broke down in to use the shitter. It was one of those small-ish computer/phone shops owned by a immigrant family (Romanian) and she got treated pretty damned well by the woman who runs the place. Gave her Water, let her sit in the AC, commiserated with her, you dig?

Well, now… Problem: We need to get Sapper his truck ASAP. I also need to get to the Aeroporto to get the rental. The car can be towed to the dealership, and the driver can handle the drop off as the place is closed until Monday, so no issue there.

Nice Romanian Lady tells me she’s closing up shop early, and do I want a ride to the Airport to get the rental?

OH Fuck Yeah
Lord love people like that. Even offered her gas cash which she got insulted about. (TBH she had a Tesla no shit) The Tow truck showed just as I was leaving, Gretchen got it unfucked this time (Fuck you Take 5… just wait to see how I deal with them motherfuckers, I got Lawyers on the payroll…) and then Gretch started hauling ass to the house.

Nice Romanian Lady drops me off at the airport… the ride took about 20 minutes and we started talking in German, as it was a common language and she was alllll sorts of cool AF… BTW, she highly recommends we all check out Romania and Hungary as a potential ‘bail and hide’ locale…

So anyways,
I go to Budget………….

No car for you because apparently, unlike the last 4 times I’ve rented, they no longer take a debit/credit card for the $250.00 deposit, only a plain credit card. Me? I’m maxxed on any remaining cards I have because as ALL of you who follow the bouncing ball know, the Adriana Saga broke me to the point I’m organizing what the fuck is it? Chapter 13? Whatever, I’m fucked.

No Rental For You!

God. Damn. It….

So, NOW…I’m Trapped at T.I.A.

I call for an Uber… it starts coming and TBH, $35 to the house… which is pretty good… Gretchen then again throws a fucking wrench in the works, I had called her and had told her we were utterly fucked for now, and let me get home to re-organize and regroup… ‘cos mind you at this point I’d been ‘on the bounce’, painfully hungover, and getting the fickle finger of fate pounded right up my ass since 7am, which means now at 2pm, it’s been alllllll day long…

Gretchen tells me to ‘cancel the Uber, ‘cos Old Neighbor Sara is coming to get me… our old neighbor Sara and G-Ma who moved to Lakeland, Gretchen and Sara are like BFFs and Gretchen got the idea to call her as it’s an emergency, and “…can you help us out?”

Soooo without thinking I cancelled the Uber (cost me $7 in cancellation fees) and Call Sara to Co-Ordinate.

Turns out she’d rather get me AND Gretchen at the house to drive us to The Villages, and “…hey can you get and Uber and meet me at the house?” For the record, she was right, as T.I.A. is waydafuq out of the way from Lakeland…

<Le Fucking Sigh>

Sooooooooo I re-do the Uber… (two minute difference mind you) and instead of $35 before tip, it’s $59.00 before tip.

Some days it doesn’t pay to wake the fuck up.

I’m going to start cutting this down a bit, but, long/short, I made it home, managed to get a shower and shave, and Sara drove us to Mom and Dads. Had a good night too… I got loaded on some beers (“must consume mass quantities”) and Dad and I spent the night grossing Gretchen out with DotMil Stories…

Dad was in the Navy and got out right before Korea kicked off and was a E-5 Machinist Mate 2. In fact his Christmas gift is a Plaque with his awards and patches that I custom ordered… they’re not going to be exactly the same, but they should look good…. I’ll poast them as I can.

Gretchen had no idea that Dad had frequented ‘Houses of Ill Repute’ during Liberty when he went into port… whereas she knows full well when I was in Germany, I used to go to “The Wall” in Nurnberg and “…see the plumber about cleaning the pipes” on the reg… Used to give me an advantage by getting laid in a whorehouse before the clubs opened… because I’d already been ‘serviced’ I didn’t reek of desperation like the other Joes did… hence part of my success with the ladies as I didn’t give a fuck if they wanted to get with me or not… Purely made me a ‘wanted man’ so to speak…

So, Today:
Mom got out of the hospital, and it’s been a shitshow. I knew it was going to be, so at 8am I called Sapper, who’d just gotten off work, (“I guess I’m not allowed to sleep ever” was his bitch to me) and I told him to evacc me ‘cos I knew that shit was going to go sideways… Meaning Mom is so fucking stubborn and being a dumbass in refusing help like a home health aid to assist at least two, maybe three times a week…

I knew I had to fucking leave or I’d kill her… LITERALLY as a lot of you know, I haven’t had a vacation since their accident, I used ALL my vacation days after it last year helping from the shit, and almost every weekend is a shytteshow of the Nth degree… so I had Sapper get me ‘cos I’m fucking done. I just got awarded my two weeks due to my anniversary with Glorious People’s Tractor Factory #206, and I will be damned if I don’t get to use this vacation on Gretchen and myself… I mean FFS we never even had a honeymoon as shit keeps piling up on us Dammit.

And yeah, she got home, got on her high horse and I got on the phoner and laid it out in no uncertain terms that she either gets her head out of her ass, or I’ll have her involuntarily committed –somewhere– as WE have legal power of attorney.

Gretch is working it
I feel bad, but TBH I’m burned the fuck out… hence my TMI- while-drinking rant here… Sapper knows it, but is tired of the bullshit too… he had ZERO sleep, had to get me, and then go right back into work SO he too, is done…

Anyways, I’ll follow up with y’all.
I might have to do a GiveSendGo IF they fuck me on the new engine… I’ll keep everyone updated… In the meantime, it’s time to see what I got that I can sell God Damn It…

If it wasn’t for Shit-Luck, I’d have none at all Aye?
More Later

“Yah, Dat Me!”

21 thoughts on “It Is A Miracle From On High…”

  1. Hey bro, I really hope your luck turns, like winning the lotto. And wish everyone the best of health for this Christmas season. As an aside, you didn’t by any chance film this did you? Lotta people pay good money to watch. Hey, it’s a world full of assholes, and we are among the best.

  2. I avoid Take 5. My daughter’s Honda’s engine was wrecked when they left a wrench in it. My French Algerian son in law went down there and must have looked like something from The Battle of Algiers as they agreed to pay for repairs….and your next oil change is free. No thanks.

    I hope you and yours have a turn of good luck. You’ve been thru too much this year.

  3. Jesus H. CHRIST man!
    You ever actually see that little black cloud following you around?
    Pretty sure I’d have done lost my shit six or seven times in that one day!

    1. did you do something really bad in a former life or something ? damn. but then again the chance of finding someone that knows what he is doing anymore is a rare thing. and IF they care about what they doing too is getting rare as well. don’t have much myself, but if you do a give send go thing, post it and I see what I can do to help. as Phil asked, do you see your black cloud ?
      I don’t know, maybe light a candle or two at a church ?

  4. Keep calm and keep the volcano under wraps.
    Save it for the intentional wipeout Law of the Jungle Mad Max time.
    The complex systems (in)competence crisis is here in the FUSA.
    Trust nothing to work or be as it seems.
    If possible keep an eye on those working on vehicles are any other essential machines.
    Escape to Pineland Acres Ranch is how I vent the volcano.
    Sometimes I have to sober up before heading out on the highway by resting on an eight food wide tree stump in the backwoods.
    So quiet and peaceful with the occasional airplane overhead and sound of animals walking past.

  5. FUCKING A!!
    I’d be in the looney bin with mass amounts of thorazine in me or resting peacefully.

    Reading that bout gave me a damn stroke.

    I thought I owned the black cloud of doom. I Was Wrong!

    Tip of the Irish German Hat and a 🥃🥃🥃🥃🥃 to you sir.

    89/91 out. 😉

  6. Sad to say, BCE, Hyundais are known for shitting the engine bed from between 75,000 to 100,000 miles. Shit the bed so bad that most Hyundai dealers have a supply of engines in stock just because.

    Great cars, otherwise.

    Most well-behaved men have a Mongo living behind the civilized facade. I’m a fat dumpling, but when I go Mongo it causes people to reel back in horror. Something about knowing really disgusting ways to slab people and dispose of bodies and not afraid to get one’s hands dirty seems to come out no matter how much I try.

    1. Ditto on the Hyundai motors. The 1.8’s and 2.0’s have known issues with rod bearing failure. In order to avoid a recall, they’ve extended warranties on many/most of the models with those motors, many now have 150k mile warranties.

      Google the issue a little bit, but make sure that the dealer knows that you know that these motors have longstanding issues. We got my mom a (free) new motor and a lifetime drivetrain warranty under similar circumstances.

      Good luck, brother.

  7. Give a shout, Brother. I’ll help where I can. .. -20 temps, 4 bucks a gal heating oil, & 3 cord of firewood be damned. Life’s a stone cold bitch sometimes…

  8. Remember what we used to say in the Infantry… least it ain’t raining and we ain’t in MOPP IV.

    I feel for you brother. Keep your chin up and we’ll keep an eye out for the star cluster.

  9. BCE, I learned a very tough life lesson the hard way a few years ago.
    That lesson is:

    “If YOU don’t look out for yourself, WHO will”?

    I know that it seems selfish but your in laws can be stubborn pains in the asses because whenever they have a problem, they have you and Wifey running up there to solve it.
    My wife, her sister and I had a meeting about their pain in the ass elderly mom who was pulling the same crap. She has all kinds of money, so we all agreed that she either got a care giver OR she was heading for an assisted living place. When she screamed when she was told this it was said “fine, we’ll have you assessed but if the state gets involved, they’ll send your ass to a nursing home especially after so many falls and ems calls”.
    She grudgingly got a care giver and she is doing vastly better and no more falls or ems calls.
    Meanwhile my sister in law and my wife and I can live our lives.

    As I said to my mother in law, “it’s a free country and you do what you want BUT when those choices affect me and my wife and OUR life then I get a say”.

    Stick to your guns and insist that the in laws either get a care giver or move close to you guys in an assisted living place. If they refuse then tell them “then live in denial but lose my phone number and deal with your own problems”.

    Good Luck.

  10. I know you don’t need any advice, but yer getting it anyway. Instead of “Born Under a Bad Sign” by Cream, go with “Another Tricky Day” by The Who”. Yer welcome, hang in there.
    My prayers aren’t carrying enough punch, my apologies.

  11. Agree with above. Cut her loose. Not your circus, not your monkeys. The cantankerous old bat is no more your problem than *dumbc. Stop giving yourself ulcers. She falls, she goes to hosp. If you get involved, she’s your headache. If you refuse to get involved, care managers place her in a home.
    I’m in a similar situation, and have no more fucks left to give. Dad got his clotshot and promptly stroked, and then we discovered mom has gone round the bend and they were hiding it. I took care of him til he died. Her? She’s giving me ulcers.

    1. I worked in chronic care for decades. It helps when dealing with crazy people to keep reminding yourself that it is much better to be the same one dealing with the crazy than the other way around. Keep telling yourself.

  12. My Prayers are with you BCE, and I do have a little advice that might help with the Clowns at Take 5. My Brother is an Auto claims expert for a Large Insurance company and is called to testify in civil cases against companies they insure. He has some real Horror stories about some very Bad Auto shops and fly by night oil change outfits.
    He has even seen cases that the oil change shop Should have won get awarded to the customer because the Judge feels sorry for them.
    So here is the advice:

    1. Get ALL of your PMCS records on this auto from the day you bought it.
    (Including those times y0u changed the oil yourself by getting credit card records and receipts)

    2. As soon as you can sit down with Mrs G and get a statement Written down that gives an Accurate word for word transcript of what the POS Take 5 employee told her about covering car rental, towing, and fixing the car. Take your time and realize this will be evidence to the court and it needs to be Clear and concise. Also do the same for the POS Take 5 idiot who came out and said “not our fault”. Both of these conversations could NUKE anything Take 5 might tell the court.

    3. When in court be Ultra polite and answer the questions honestly but with the intent that the Judge should end siding with you.

    4. If given a chance be prepared to tell the Judge the damage Take 5 has done to your life.
    You would be surprised at the number of Judges who decide with their hearts.

    * One other thing, my Brother’s Standard Operating Procedure unless they know the people are just trying to scam the shop is to approach the person before court and offer a settlement so that they don’t have to go through the court.
    Be prepared with a dollar figure that will make you whole again and include the Uber and any other expenses along with getting the car fixed and have those figures printed out.
    IF you are dealing with professionals, and they know that you KNOW the amount that will make you whole again, they are much more likely to settle out of court without trying to Lowball you.
    As you know, just because you are in the Right doesn’t mean our Justice system won’t screw you around if they get a wild hare implanted in their fourth point of contact.
    Good on you for containing Bad BCE so far,
    and Prayers that things will get better starting today.

  13. Sorry to hear about your day from Hell. I am dealing with a declining, stubborn elderly mother and thought I had stress, until I read your post. Definitely adding you to my prayer list.

    You mentioned The Villages in your post. My wife has an interest in perhaps someday moving there (we are in New England). I’ve heard mixed reviews about The Villages. What’s your opinion of the place?

  14. Former service center manager here, if the Take 5 dude checked & they did in fact put oil in it, he came & documented that fact, & said they were done, there’s not much left to do, since the failure of the motor was not from lack of lube. If it’s a Hyundai Theta motor, 2.0 turbo or 2.4 non-turbo it’s likely a rod bearing failure, as mentioned prior. And as long as the KSDS update was done it is probably a free motor for you. Call your dealer with your VIN!

  15. You NEED to post a BUY BIG COUNTRY A CAR “Go Fund Me” type thingy.

    I’ll contribute… I know others will.


    Jack Lawson

    1. Hey Jack, not going to pull the trigger on that until and unless I -really- need to. I appreciate it though… times are tough and I got a bicycle… of course I look recockulas on it (think Circus Bear on teeny bike)

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