…that I have NOT fucking lost my collective shit and started a full on “Florida Man with Flamethrower goes completely Apeshit, Torches Town, Hundreds Dead, Women and Minorities Most Affected, Film at 11:00!!!”
Oh Holy Fuck where to start…
SO when last we had heard from The Intrepid Reporter™ his wife was trapped in a bad part of town, with the Hoopty was in “no work no more” mode with a possibly blown engine. The car is a 2020 Hyundai with only 80k miles on it, (high miles on the highway due to the whole back n’forth to Tennessee for the Adriana Saga) Normally this’s a completely unexpected thing as The ole I.R. is damned near religious about making sure the oil and filter and PMCS is done on the regular…
So, I borrow Sapper’s pickup.
Down to the darkest part of Tampa… And let me tell you, I Love me some drunken blaq diversity (at 9 the fuck A.M. mind you) getting belligerent ‘cos I didn’t have any spare change… and then? When he got a case of the stupids and started yelling at me, (“You cheap assed Honky” or some shit like that) I ripped off my sunglasses and me blood red peepers and general “One of us is going to get seriously fucked up here, and it sure as fuck ain’t me!” attitude had him run across 4 lanes of heavy traffic to get the fuck away from the unwashed barbarian who was lusting dumb diversity blood at that point… I didn’t even say a word… just the ‘Death Stare™’ and radiating the “You. Are. Dead.” vibes positively washed over and inundated even his deteriorated cortex… He ran for his life… and to be truthful, at that particular movement in time? I think if he went from ‘stupid’ to ‘full retard’ I would have beaten him to death, as I was that angry at the world at that particular moment…
I called AAA and had a tow set up to haul the DRT (dead right there) vehicle to the Dealership. By the time I got there Gretchen had taken over (without consulting me of course) and had called corporate of the Take 5 Oil Change biddness who blew them the fuck up… got alllllll sort of promises… tow, rental car you name it, you got it…
Yeah so when I got there the Triple A truck was there and Gretchen sent him off… Because you can trust the company that probably broke our shit to be purely and absolutely impartial
<queue crazy unbelieving laughter>
So then instead of following through on all the ‘happy gas’ they blew up Gretchen’s febrile female mind, instead of doing what they promised, Take 5 sent a “Manager” from the local nearest Take 5, who came out and pronounced “Not our problem, it’s got oil, and no leaks! Have a nice day!”…………………….
Volcanic Eruption in 3…2…1…
Oh yeah baby…
The voices started telling me it was time to let “Bad Big Country” out of the Mental Metaphorical Cage I keep that particular version of me locked away… TBH I don’t talk about that part of my personality… let’s just leave it that that is one BCE you never want to be on the ‘bad side’ of… he’s a combo of Dexter, John Matrix, (older fatter and slower but still) and a touch of Hannibal Lecter for good measure… I keep him ‘locked down’… It’s the only way to keep shit cool… soooooo couldn’t go nuts…. not yet….
So instead I Whoo-saaa’d like a motherfucker…
I called Triple A again and re-set up the Tow… Problem was Sapper called and said, “Bro, I know you got a lot going on, but I need my truck ASAP, I just got the two hour notice!” Sapper’s job requires him to be on-call 24-7… he makes HUGE bank because of it, but it’s some times inconvenient, like this amiright?
So now, the Quandary:
I need a rental car. Nearest place open is Tampa International. My usual ‘if I need a rental’ I go through Budget. Got a biddness account and everything. So I scheduled a one day rental, ‘cos on TOP of all OUR problems, Mom is still in the hospital, Dad is crippled and alone and we need to GTF up there ASAFP.
Any wonder why I’m stressing?
And yeah, Lord Fuck a Duck, Dad was positively blowing up the phone: “When you getting up here!?!”
I can’t catch a fookin’ break as Gran would’ve said
So while Gretchen was broke down, she had to go into one of the shops in the strip mall she’d literally broke down in to use the shitter. It was one of those small-ish computer/phone shops owned by a immigrant family (Romanian) and she got treated pretty damned well by the woman who runs the place. Gave her Water, let her sit in the AC, commiserated with her, you dig?
Well, now… Problem: We need to get Sapper his truck ASAP. I also need to get to the Aeroporto to get the rental. The car can be towed to the dealership, and the driver can handle the drop off as the place is closed until Monday, so no issue there.
Nice Romanian Lady tells me she’s closing up shop early, and do I want a ride to the Airport to get the rental?
OH Fuck Yeah
Lord love people like that. Even offered her gas cash which she got insulted about. (TBH she had a Tesla no shit) The Tow truck showed just as I was leaving, Gretchen got it unfucked this time (Fuck you Take 5… just wait to see how I deal with them motherfuckers, I got Lawyers on the payroll…) and then Gretch started hauling ass to the house.
Nice Romanian Lady drops me off at the airport… the ride took about 20 minutes and we started talking in German, as it was a common language and she was alllll sorts of cool AF… BTW, she highly recommends we all check out Romania and Hungary as a potential ‘bail and hide’ locale…
I go to Budget………….
No car for you because apparently, unlike the last 4 times I’ve rented, they no longer take a debit/credit card for the $250.00 deposit, only a plain credit card. Me? I’m maxxed on any remaining cards I have because as ALL of you who follow the bouncing ball know, the Adriana Saga broke me to the point I’m organizing what the fuck is it? Chapter 13? Whatever, I’m fucked.
No Rental For You!
God. Damn. It….
So, NOW…I’m Trapped at T.I.A.
I call for an Uber… it starts coming and TBH, $35 to the house… which is pretty good… Gretchen then again throws a fucking wrench in the works, I had called her and had told her we were utterly fucked for now, and let me get home to re-organize and regroup… ‘cos mind you at this point I’d been ‘on the bounce’, painfully hungover, and getting the fickle finger of fate pounded right up my ass since 7am, which means now at 2pm, it’s been alllllll day long…
Gretchen tells me to ‘cancel the Uber, ‘cos Old Neighbor Sara is coming to get me… our old neighbor Sara and G-Ma who moved to Lakeland, Gretchen and Sara are like BFFs and Gretchen got the idea to call her as it’s an emergency, and “…can you help us out?”
Soooo without thinking I cancelled the Uber (cost me $7 in cancellation fees) and Call Sara to Co-Ordinate.
Turns out she’d rather get me AND Gretchen at the house to drive us to The Villages, and “…hey can you get and Uber and meet me at the house?” For the record, she was right, as T.I.A. is waydafuq out of the way from Lakeland…
<Le Fucking Sigh>
Sooooooooo I re-do the Uber… (two minute difference mind you) and instead of $35 before tip, it’s $59.00 before tip.
Some days it doesn’t pay to wake the fuck up.
I’m going to start cutting this down a bit, but, long/short, I made it home, managed to get a shower and shave, and Sara drove us to Mom and Dads. Had a good night too… I got loaded on some beers (“must consume mass quantities”) and Dad and I spent the night grossing Gretchen out with DotMil Stories…
Dad was in the Navy and got out right before Korea kicked off and was a E-5 Machinist Mate 2. In fact his Christmas gift is a Plaque with his awards and patches that I custom ordered… they’re not going to be exactly the same, but they should look good…. I’ll poast them as I can.
Gretchen had no idea that Dad had frequented ‘Houses of Ill Repute’ during Liberty when he went into port… whereas she knows full well when I was in Germany, I used to go to “The Wall” in Nurnberg and “…see the plumber about cleaning the pipes” on the reg… Used to give me an advantage by getting laid in a whorehouse before the clubs opened… because I’d already been ‘serviced’ I didn’t reek of desperation like the other Joes did… hence part of my success with the ladies as I didn’t give a fuck if they wanted to get with me or not… Purely made me a ‘wanted man’ so to speak…
Mom got out of the hospital, and it’s been a shitshow. I knew it was going to be, so at 8am I called Sapper, who’d just gotten off work, (“I guess I’m not allowed to sleep ever” was his bitch to me) and I told him to evacc me ‘cos I knew that shit was going to go sideways… Meaning Mom is so fucking stubborn and being a dumbass in refusing help like a home health aid to assist at least two, maybe three times a week…
I knew I had to fucking leave or I’d kill her… LITERALLY as a lot of you know, I haven’t had a vacation since their accident, I used ALL my vacation days after it last year helping from the shit, and almost every weekend is a shytteshow of the Nth degree… so I had Sapper get me ‘cos I’m fucking done. I just got awarded my two weeks due to my anniversary with Glorious People’s Tractor Factory #206, and I will be damned if I don’t get to use this vacation on Gretchen and myself… I mean FFS we never even had a honeymoon as shit keeps piling up on us Dammit.
And yeah, she got home, got on her high horse and I got on the phoner and laid it out in no uncertain terms that she either gets her head out of her ass, or I’ll have her involuntarily committed –somewhere– as WE have legal power of attorney.
Gretch is working it
I feel bad, but TBH I’m burned the fuck out… hence my TMI- while-drinking rant here… Sapper knows it, but is tired of the bullshit too… he had ZERO sleep, had to get me, and then go right back into work SO he too, is done…
Anyways, I’ll follow up with y’all.
I might have to do a GiveSendGo IF they fuck me on the new engine… I’ll keep everyone updated… In the meantime, it’s time to see what I got that I can sell God Damn It…
If it wasn’t for Shit-Luck, I’d have none at all Aye?
“Yah, Dat Me!”