Fucking With TSA

Greetings Me Droogs N Droogettes
Crossposted this over at Reddit. I wrote this up earlier today. I had been talking to Sapper, and a couple of old stories came up, so I figured to share it here, as well as there. Hope you enjoy

Be Me, Mister Iraq-Contractor, flying home due to a Red Cross Family Emergency.
Dad had a heart attack, so I was moved pretty quickly via MilAir out of Baghdad and back to CONUS (Continental US). However… plans went sideways when I hit Virginia. There were no options but to buy a one-way ticket, (at the last minute mind you) at extortionist prices to get me back to Tampa Bay. Because of the situation, i.e. “drop everything and boogie” I had the barest minimum of gear, and was dressed in an absolute minimum, (long sleeved Harley T-Shirt, cutoff Desert BDU pants and sandals, no drawers… I never did, ‘cos Iraq is 10,000 miles closer to the sun than anywhere else on Earth…this’s important later) carrying a bag with my laptop, and I think my toothbrush and that was about it. Like I said an absolute minimal amount of luggage. I had stored my helmet and body armor at Ali-Al-Saleem Air Base as it was heavy and tended to draw stares when traveling civilian air.

So… Everyone’s favorite DotGov agency the TSA

(Thousands Standing Around as my brother-the-Fed calls them) tends to be a bit, shall we say, overzealous at best, and absolute assholes at worst. In this case, they were a combination of both. Unfortunately a year or so before, I had “popped hot” so to speak for “explosive residue” on my gear (Duh! Warzone! OF COURSE I had ‘residue’ on my shit…) and ‘someone’ had entered it into my ‘permanent record’ meaning I always got popped for “Closer Examination” which I called “The Full Monty”. Very annoying in this case, as I gots places to be, things to do, and didn’t want/need the hassle of some overweight sub 70 IQ’d moron who couldn’t get a job at the DMV.

So, I’m now hitting the multiple checkmarks on their little “list”. No checked bag, previous issue(s), one way ticket… Despite being a Contractor, volunteering to support the DotMil, they want to make life difficult, just to make sure I’m not a terrorist donchaknow? So as mentioned, I’m wearing the DotMil Issue 3 Color DCU (Desert Camo Uniform) pants that I had cut the legs off of to make some comfy cargo shorts out of… Now to those who know, there are these little ‘friction lock’ metal tabs and fabric loops that tighten the waistband up, which means you don’t necessarily need a belt. As soon as Mister “I’m The TSA Do What I Say” sees my boarding pass marked with the “Strip search this guy” markings he pulls me aside, his crony starts rifling my Laptop bag, and he tells me to “…take off my belt, and put my hands over my head, so he can ‘sweep’ my waistband with his fingers” (to make sure I’m not smuggling an nuclear weapon I’m sure).

I tell him, “Ain’t got a belt” and proceed to loosen the metal tabs.
Now… according to many XGFs, I have what’s called “tragic whytteboy ass” meaning flat as a pancake. When I loosened the tabs, the only thing keeping my pants on is my junk, and barely then even. I knew what I was going to do, and promptly did it… a slight wiggle of Ye Olde Hips, and > whoopsie! < my pants head southward, I quickly raised my hands over my head, thereby raising my t-shirt up quite a bit, exposing Ye Olde Nether Regions to the entire terminal as I yelled out in my best Drill Sgt Voice:


(Those of you know, that’s what us privates yelled when being cleared from a live-fire range in basic.)

Needless to say, Heads turned, some faces shocked, others amused and many commands were issued, in HIGHLY angered voices, as the majority of people of course turned to see lil ole me, hands in the air, and junk dangling for all to admire. Because of all the ‘stuff’ I went through in the Army, being pretty much buck-ass nekkid in front of the world didn’t bother me, but man, I thought the TSA Asshole was going to stroke the fuck out. Lots of screaming. Lots of panic all around. After finally getting somewhat un-discombobulated, the TSA guy, after me getting my pants back on, I was told to “GTFO of here or I’ll have you arrested!” To which I told him, “Hey man, I was only following your orders! It’s not my fault my pants came off! I should sue for my embarrassment!”

I then continued on to my flight, with one guy, a Skater-Bro that I could tell, as I was leaving to my gate, he came over and high fived me and telling me that “That was epic bro!”

Funny thing is, I no longer get pulled for extra-screening. Go figure Eh? Wonder why that is the case… Jes’ Sayin’
So More Later
Big Country

17 thoughts on “Fucking With TSA”

  1. Loved It BCE! That is a lot of fun you can have, messing with the govt. just following their orders. Or, if you just happen to work at an airport, and just happen to have a badge that gets you anywhere, the fun multiplies. “A friend” can just go on for hours about the torments, I mean activities, that frustrate and make them look like even bigger fools than they already are.

  2. Dang BCE! You should FOIA’D the hell outa that checkpoint footage. You coulda been a YouTube Gazillionaire.

  3. For a while I did a lot of air-travel one way, cash ticket, short notice, one carry-on bag. So went through a lot of TSA bullshit security theater. But hey I’ve dealt with Italian and German anti terrorist police during the Red Brigade / Baader Meinhof days and nervous Queens Own Sheepshaggers squaddies sticking FN’s through your car window in Bandit County so just the same old same old. You want really mean nasty fuckers, try East German border guards circa 1983.

    So just had a carry-on bag that could open clamshell and everything was packed in mesh packing cubes and clear ziplock bags. You want to search my stuff – no problem. Every time the TSA guy saw the bag when opened and how it was packed you could see them go – oh. One or two had a quick look but the rest pretty much just told to me to close the bag and move on. All over in less than 30 seconds.

    They really did not want their supervisor to see them wasting time with a whole pile of very easy to check clear plastic bags on the table. With someone that looked like me standing there totally relaxed. Plus someone that organized and prepared in that particular way, you could see the TSA guys thinking – do I really want to mess with this. All the time this was going on I was as polite and “helpful” as I was when dealing with those trigger happy Italian anti-terrorist police in the very black very Mussolini uniforms. Total fucking psychos.

    The only really interesting time while travelling was when my name turned up on a FBI watchlist. Someone with the same name had been a very bad boy. My guess an “armed and dangerous” bad boy. Its the only time I have seen someone’s face go totally white. The blood just drained out. When the check-in agent at the airport took my ticket and passport and saw what came up on the screen in front of her. Soon there was a whole bunch of supervisors looking at the screen, looking at the my docs, looking at me standing there smiling politely. Then the Big Boss came over and looked at everything and said – its not the same guy, they are looking for someone younger. And that was it. Checked in and on my way. The guy on the FBI watch list must have been caught soon after as never had this problem again.

    Then there was the time in Copenhagen airport when the immigration guys could not understand why there were no entrance and exit stamps in my passport. Again the Big Boss eventually got involved. But thats another story.

  4. Got pieces of metal all over and inside me, from various stupid moves. My rare flying jags are when I tell TSA, “I’ve got metal all over and inside me”, and tell them they HAVE to wand me, and look close, and I offer to show the scars anywhere they want to see. Learned that from an old highway patrolman I once knew. He said to ” kill them with kindness”, because they seldom know how to react to it. Same as you, an ex-GI, so I don’t get worried about a little nakedness. What they gonna do, arrest me for public indecency?

  5. Oh look at what showed up today: “You are seeing this message because ad or script blocking software is interfering with this page. Disable any ad or script blocking software, then reload this page.”

    Han always outruns the blockade, it’s what Han’s good at.

    WordPress plug-in to detect missing ad blocker in your browser

    It’s more secure that way. 🙂

    “The whole world’s a circus, don’t you be the clown.” — Chic, (Funny) Bone

  6. I had to fly for business a few times after the TSA got hatched, always with group. My bags always got the extra screening (a year as staff at the EOD training facility, various security clearances, working with commercial quantities of fertilizer, etc.) but none of my companions believed me. One trip out of O’Hare the ticket agent switched luggage tags as she was checking in our bags. I noticed but didn’t care since we were all going to the same destination, so I said ” hey, watch this!” Boss’s wife’s bag caught my tag, so TSA opens it up and start running her underwear through the sniffer for bomb residue, all of her “toys” laid out for inspection, and general asshole behavior from the TSA. My companions started listening a little better when I mentioned security shit after that.

  7. As every one who’s ever served knows, Scrupulous Malicious Compliance is the quickest way to get fucksticks’ orders rescinded.

    And ridicule and embarrassment (in your case, with a literal bare ass) of your would-be-overlords is one of the most powerful weapons that can be deployed, short of shooting them in the face.

    ★★★★★ – highly recommended

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