Greetings and Salutations!
Well now… what a craptastic month.
I just realized that July must be a “Bad Moon Rising” for me… it was July 2016 that Marriage Number One detonated. As well now this.
I think that for the future July is going to be me digging into a remote bunker somewhere, deeeeep in the “Hide” so to speak, and not under any circumstances come out until said-month is over.
So, first off, a note to one reader, Pres. Elect Woodman: Your gracious donation did NOT go thru… not sure if it was returned or hijacked, DM me to let me know ok? The DM BTW is bce187th at protonmail, and THAT at least is locked-th-e-fuck down FOR SURE.
Then, MREs… anyone who hasn’t gotten ’em, they’re on the ‘last gasp’ at $76.94 w/ free shipping:
Link HERE or the Pic
(If the pic link works, let me know… I tried something new)
And I’m getting in shape… namely ‘cos I don’t have a choice. She who will not be Named took the car… and I’ve got the choice of walking everywhere OR utilizing my Bike. Sapper’s truck is still out of action three weeks later, so needs-must. So for grocery runs, I’ve been biking quite a bit. I have to do a write up on it… I have it rigged to carry ‘stuff’ in the event of a no-shit EMP or whatever disaster that IF I got to bail-bail, I have at least good old pedal-power. That and getting off my ass has been a good thing.
Now then, in order to keep y’all a wee bit entertained, I’m retelling an oldie but a goodie. I’m not sure if I poasted this before or not? But hey, it’s STILL funny….
Be Me.
23 year old 11H SP4 Mafia Member, newly assigned to the 101st.
Show up at the Repo-Depot at Campbell. In the early 90’s the barracks were –old– WW2/Korean style wooden barracks. BIG open bays like “Full Metal Jacket” old. Got me the option via the usual ‘graft and corruption’ of paying off the right people (two cases of good beer to the person in question) so I could stay at an off-base hotel. That and being promotable, and having been around a while, I wasn’t a ‘risk’ as the NCOIC stated to me… Just as long as I made formations and appointments (I had my own POV, car to you civvies) so it wasn’t going to be an issue. Had no issue paying for the privacy and comfort. Met Sara, a PFC who was –still- at replacement due to a SA Issue (almost 2 months at that point.) Never did find out if it was legit, (probably was as it wasn’t the last time some fuckstick fucked w/her unfortunately, hawt-Army-chick problems as you can imagine…) that being said, back then? I was doing my “White Knight” thing and she and I got to be very close.
Like FWB close.
She loved spending the night(s) away from the 1940s style Barracks (who wouldn’t… what with those ancient assed fucking wood structures with shitty AC from back then, never mind the usual bullshit of CQ/Fireguard and whatnot). I used my Master SP4 Mafia Dark Jedi Skills to get her the ability to leave w/me (moar beer) as her ‘escort’ as the Repo-Depot First Shirt called me…
Personally, I think he was utterly terrified of her as it was the Repo-Depot Supply Sgt. who supposedly did the SA, and Top knew HIS balls were probably on the block if proven to be true… anyways… Many a great night in the hotel… sorry, I digress…
About a week and a half after -I- got there to the RD, I got orders to 3RD BDE, the 187th (insert obligatory RAKKASAN!!!! here… for those of you who know will get it.) Anywho.
I ended up in Delta Company (11H TOWs/.50s/MK-19s… ahh the Days of Wine and Roses… How I do miss it.) Delta at the time along with the rest of the BDE had gone to JRTC. Everyone left was on Rear-D.
Fuuuuuuuck.
Commence the suckfest.
Yep… doing ALL the shit the entire company would have normally done, except with about a platoon and a half of the lame/lazy/short timers. Motor Pool detail being prevalent. One major bonus however of being in the “rear with the gear” was no-one knew which Platoon I was going to be assigned to, and ergo, which room/room dawg I’d be assigned to. The Rear D NCOIC made the choice to ‘temporarily’ assign me a senior NCO room in the Barracks. E-6 level room… I (temporarily) had a PRIVATE SHOWER man!!!! (Sara LOVED that). I was told I’d be reassigned depending on what Platoon I was in when the rest of the Company got back. (Go Third Herd!!!)
Mind you I was still meeting up with PFC Sara on the regular. She’d finally gotten assigned to her unit (801st Main Support Batt) So, to get to the point, one fine Tuesday afternoon, I went and picked her up from “work” and she’d wrangled a 90 minute lunch break. Me being one of 3 E-4Ps on Rear D for the Company, I was pretty much free to fuck off most of the day. My immediate Supervisor was a Staff Sgt named Mitch, who’s wife was MAD Preggers and about to pop, so he got a ‘buy’ on JRTC… really nice guy…
So I go get my extremely female PFC and bring her back to my (for the times) Luxurious NCO Boudoir. We both were very into the whole physical aspect of the friendship… so at this point, I asked if we could do a ‘nooner’? She was down with it, however, I wanted to satisfy a minor kink. I wanted her to keep the majority of her uniform on…
What can I say? A chick in uniform, especially a ‘fast mover’ like her? O.M.F.G yes please.
Now, one thing about this Barracks Room. The door lock had two parts. The normal ‘lock’ it with the key’ lock (door knob) and a deadbolt. The deadbolt however, was a really weird older model, that instead of locking to the right, it locked to the left. (reversed from the normal, meaning the lever goes right to lock it, left to unlock…) So, in this case, the lock-lock on the door knob was broken (“we have a work order in for it”… typical AF for back then) and the deadbolt? Well PFC Sara, unbeknownst to me (but now knownst to you AND me) and without understanding it, unlocked the deadbolt. I found out AFTER the approaching clusterfuck that she’d -thought- she’d LOCKED it, when in fact, she unlocked it. That or she had her own unsatified voyuer-kink
Here I am, in all my glory… HAWT HAWT HAWT PFC Sara getting freeky-deeky with moi on the bunk. Life at that moment is OH SO Fucking good… I got her ‘over’ so to speak, her BDU jacket open, t-shirt up, dog tags hanging and clinking, and pants/panties around her ankles… a DotMil fantasy come true… when ‘all of a sudden’
**Sonofabitch!!!**
There’s a knock at the door… I paused mid-thrust.
Me: “Who the fuck is there!?!”
The (now unlocked door) opens, and SSGT Mitch walks in without even waiting and starts off with
“Hey BigCountryExpat, hate to interrupt your lunch but I need you to go down to……”
< tapers off, looking at me with growing horror on his face >
Me: “Oh SHIT Duuuude What the fuck!!!! Gimme a second!!!!”
SSGT Mitch: < races back out the door, positively gabbling, apologizing profusely, slams door HARD > Yells thru the Closed Door “Come down to the Motor Pool when your done!” < queue receding running footsteps down the hall >
PFC Sara: “giggles”
Me: <dawning realization > “OH FUCK!!! Get fucking dressed Right Fucking Now… get your shit together, we got to get to the Motor Pool RIGHT. FUCKING. NOW!!!“
PFC Sara: < pouty > “Why? What’s the big deal? You haven’t finished yet!” < coyly sideway look >
Me: “Trust me, Infantry gossip like NOBODIES Biddness!!! He doesn’t realize you’re chick!!!! He thinks I was bangin’ a dude in the ass!!!!“
PFC Sara: (dawning realization on face) Positively EXPLODES: < Queue Paroxysms of HILARIOUS LAUGHTER!!!! >
Me: (Dressing furiously) “Seriously… he couldn’t tell… you’re wearing your hat, your hair (she had GREAT long brown locks BTW) is under the hat, and he couldn’t see your tits ‘cos your ass was in the air while I was doggin’ you!!!! This’s critical!!! I’m the “new guy who’s gonna be called a fag” if you don’t move out!”
Granted, PFC Sara was a -bit- put out… “I’m going to be sooooo embarrassed!!! They’re going to think I’m a slut!!!” I was like “IDGAF about that, this’s deadly important in the Infantry!!!”
B/C she was cool as all get the fuck out, she went with me.
(otherwise I probably would have knocked her out and dragged her with me at that point). Sure as Christ made lil Apples, we get to the motor pool, and ALL of the Rear D are gathered around SSGT Mitch… who’s waving his hands around OBVIOUSLY spinning the tale of ‘walking in on the new guy who’s queer!!!’ They (the gathered troops) see me AND PFC Sara (who TBH at a distance, in the old lettuce suit BDU (woodland, not flattering at all) walking in. I reached out and took her hand, and walked up.
The sigh of relief from everyone was probably audible in Arkansas.
Outside of PFC Sara turning about nineteen different shades of red, it all ended well, and honestly, I got MAD cool points for getting a ‘nooner’ during lunch. Sara and I are still hardcore frens, and I always thought of her as one who might have gotten away… Of course she’d kill me if she reads this, but fuck it, it is funny!!!
So yep.
I talked w/PFC Sara last night and told her the fucked up news. Unfortunately for me, she’s w/a decent dude. Dammit.
My luck holds again amiright?
So hope you enjoyed!
More Later
BCE
