Soooo since I’d been busted for various ‘felonious but not quite’ activities in the Battalion, I was known as a troublemaker, but a needed one. Specifically I was the Battalion Thief. The Dog Robber. The CSM’s Bitch… call it what you will, but it was a great place to be as a Corporal/Specialist 4 who at that point realized he wasn’t going any further career-wise in the DotMil
I might have if they were smart enough to have ranks like other countries DotMil had, like the Brits have a “Career Corporal” where a dude signs up, can do his 20+ years, and never have to perform beyond a Corporal’s operational area. TBH, I had no interest (outside of pay bumps) to be the HMFIC (head motherfucker in charge). I lack(ed) and currently still do, a certain confidence… it’s hard to define, but I didn’t want the responsibility of command? It’s not being afraid per se.. and yeah, a personal weakness, but I had zero interest in being “Large and In Charge”
Especially if I had to take responsibility for my bros lives. Not my bag baby…
Soooo because I was approaching my RRT (Rank Retention point, 10 years at that time) as an E-4 and I was ALSO working on getting my medical retirement (in line of duty, I ended up with 80%… not bad for a peacetime injury) I really had, in my mind fuck all to lose.
So when Field Grade #3 showed up… I knew the extra duty was going to be special.
On this one I only got hit with 7 days… seems that they knew that to have me do anything over that would ONLY encourage others to ‘game the system’. So in this case, the CSM came up with a pretty good bit of Extra Duty for the weekend. It was one I really had to put some skull sweat into to beat him, but in the end, I managed it.
As I mentioned before, one of the Unit next to us was 2/8 CAV. That’s where I had ‘rented/borrowed’ their new-ish death mower mentioned in my earlier poast. The issue here was that THAT tool for the particular job wouldn’t be useful… oh no… our mission for the weekend was to clear out the 40 foot wide by about 200 yard long “grass” strip BETWEEN the 2/8 Motorpool and OUR 1/12 Motorpool.
There was a slight issue however.
That area?
Due to the design and layout of the flood control draining ‘stuff’ on Fort Hood, that area between out Motorpool(s) was a fucking swamp. It was a MAJOR runoff “Catch all” for the massive occasional seasonal rain Da Hood got… we’re talking 1-2 foot deep muddy holes, nothing too dramatic. Lots of mud, and what the CSM wanted was all the “clumps” of long ass out-of-control grass growing on about 40 “Islands” in this “swamp” cut down/eliminated by Sunday night.
We got this assignment at 15:30.
It took me a few minutes to come up with an idea… My boyos on this particular Extra Duty consisted of a couple of dope-smokers, one DUI case, and another thief (who in this case got caught). I was the Ranking Penitent, so My Word was it. I jokingly called them my ‘convicts’ just to be a dick… they were all cool, and my rep sort of preceded me, so that meant that they knew things on this extra duty was going to be iiiiiiinteresting to say the least.
Once I had The IDEA, The IDEA quickly coalesced into a PLAN. Once the Plan was solid, it was good, and I sent my Merry Men/Convicts off to do my (evil) bidding, whilst I went and made a fuckton of phone calls before the duty day ended.
Now, since we had only gotten started on this endeavor at around 15:30+/-, I knew there wasn’t shit to be done that particular night, and I told the NCOIC of the staff duty as such. He agreed, and I told him we’d be back early on Saturday before he got off duty… Then I had my guys ‘gather the gear’ that we’d need for the 0700 mission I had planned. Mind you, once they knew what I had set up, EVERYBODY was all in. One of them said “THIS is the Magic that is the SPEC-4 Mafia… it’s truly better to ask for forgiveness, than to ask for permission!” I of course Blessed them all, as the High Priest of the E-4 Mafia, and bid them to be there early early the next morning.
Saturday Morning rolled around, and TBH, we’d ALL gotten there early in anticipation of what was going to be a FUN Article-15 Extra Duty Day. My boys were enthusiastic, as they knew what we were doing was “coloring outside of the lines but not-so-much” They did everything I asked of them, and at around 10:00am, the Fort Hood Fire Department showed up.
Yep.
This’s your clue.
Once they were on scene, and we made sure EVERYONE was clear for the entire length of the strip between the two Motorpools, and the senior NCO of the Fire Department said we were clear, I yelled “FIRE IN THE HOLE” and lit off a flare right into the middle of the strip.
WHHHHHHOOOOSH!!!!
The combustion of what was about 40 gallons of ‘acquired’ MOGAS that I had my boys spray over every. fucking. inch. of that shit-assed nasty fucking unmowable swamp was nigh-impressive. It looked like something out of an action movie… I really wish cell phone cameras and the like were more prevalent back then as WOW!!!
Just as the flames started dying down, and as my ‘convicts’/boys as well as the Fire Department started cleaning up (making sure nothing was still fully burning nor could spread) who should roll up on us but The CSM himself!
CSM: “GABBLE!GABBLE!OOOK!WHO!!!WHAT!!! Burn!!!GABBLE!GABBLE!EEK!!“
Me: “Calm down Sergeant Major… we did a ‘controlled burn’… you see? There’s two fire trucks, an MP directing traffic, and even an ambulance! It’s cool man… I got everything under control!”
CSM: “MOTORPOOL!EXTRADUTY!!!BURNGABBLEBURNINGGABBLE>SHRIEK<GABBLE!GABBLE!”
Fire Chief (my homie): “Hey Sergeant Major, you seem a bit ‘off’… let’s walk you over to the Ambulance and have you checked out! You look like you’re about to stroke out!:” >grasps the CSM’s elbow, walks him to the Ambulance<
Needless to say, questions were asked.
Questions also were answered
I did everything by the book.
They had jack shit on me, and Jack as you are aware of, left town a while ago.
What I gained however was absolute “bulletproofness” at that point. They realized that IF they wanted to fuck with me and put me on “extra duty” then unless give exacting parameters as to what I could and could not do then they were ultimately doomed.
To the point I was pretty much AWOL for the last six months of Active Duty, but that’s a story for another time. Hope you enjoyed!
So More Later
Big Country
Interesting story. Not a bad idea either. But I could see how that could stroke out the CSM as I’m sure he had a different plan on how to accomplish the order so placed.
Holy hell bro! Great tale, best I have ever heard you tell. You are a fuggin mastermind.
“I’m sure he had a different plan on how to accomplish the order so placed.”
Yea, well, leadership 101 is understanding how your orders are carried out are not always how you THINK they will be carried out, and learning to accept that. Provided no one is hurt, no equipment was broken, and the task was completed, a leader does not question the outcome.
I long ago read a apocryphal tale that in the military if you had a job that had never been done before, you assigned it to the laziest man and watched how he figured it out.
Well done!
Small groups of 19- year old American Paratroopers. They are well-trained, armed-to-the-teeth and lack serious adult supervision. They collectively remember the Commander’s intent as “March to the sound of the guns and kill anyone who is not dressed like you…” …or something like that. Happily they go about the day’s work
Give us a mission and we’ll carry it out.
ROFLOLMFAO!!
You REALLY should, in what spare minutes you give yourself, create a separate folder on your computer, and just start pounding the keys to tell the tall (but true) tales of your life, inside and outside the dot mil.
Don’t worry about spelling, grammar and punctuation. All that clean-up editing can be done later.
JUST DO IT!!
Too bad you weren’t a Marine because you could have said “Why Sgt Major, we improvised, we adapted, we OVERCAME”. 🙂
That’s beautiful, man. I probably like it so much because it’s the sort of thing I’d pull in similar circumstances. My attitude has always been “you want an ass kisser/yes man, or do you want results?” If I’m tasked with doing something – especially something shitty – and I can improvise an effective way to get it done to spec with less shittiness, you best believe that’s the path I’m taking.
Yes, this has gotten me heat before, but screw the haters. Ingenuity is a gift that will not be refused by fucking ingrates. Besides, I love irritating a dick in charge by taking a lousy job and making it almost enjoyable. Think you’re going to punish me by giving me the shit work? Not if can help it. That’s what they always really hated; that I took what was intended as a punishment, and parlayed it into an opportunity to show off.
Holy hell BC! You had way too much fun jacking with the highers and frigging got paid for it too. Huge anti authority streak there. 2×4 pic by troublemaker in the dictionary. Often caught but rarely punished successfully.
Does that about sum it up? Lol!
Phrases for the day. BC and some others will know these. Cube out vs. weigh out.
Shooter
Yep. Good story. The E4 mafia rules the day.
Ft Hood… i went there once for being a candidate for ‘soldier of the year’ Gen Bribari award ceremony when i was with the 70th div training reserve unit.. didn’t get it.. other than that fuck Ft Hood.
Hilarious…
Great, great story! Always make any work task enjoyable!
That was a good story. Ft Hood baby. If you know you know. If you don’t it’s a good thing.
In Germany, our Cmd. Sgt. Major’s name was HT Fields. The HT stood for hard times. He ran his battalion extra duty like a prison work farm. He kept the extra duty guys up as long as legally possible without giving them the next day off – I think it was until 0200. If he didn’t have a project for them, then they were mixing concrete and pouring a 6″ slab. After they got it poured, and it hardened, they had to break it out with sledge hammers. That asshole’s goal in life was to break good troops. But in his mind, if they were good troops, they wouldn’t be on his extra duty detail. Guys committed suicide, or at least tried to in order to get some relief in the hospital.
If he saw you drinking a grape soda, he’d single you out for special treatment. I got picked for drug testing 4 weeks in a row, every Monday, because he saw me drinking a grape soda in the company day room while watching TV on my time off. I thought it was funny because I never smoked the devil’s lettuce. Never wanted to smoke it, and still haven’t. I bet he couldn’t figure out why my drug screen kept coming back clean.
I have a similar, but different tale about cleaning out weedy ditches in the ‘Nam. In the summer of ’70, I was standing in a long line as an E-6 to in-process with the S-1 (personnel shop) of the 4th ID in An Khe in the highlands (not where I was supposed to be, but that’s another F’ed-up story). As I stood in the line in the heat, I noticed a couple of guys were tending to a wide, weedy stream bed with flame throwers. I had never seen one used, so I asked the guy behind me to hold my place in line and wandered over that way to get a closer look. After 10 or so minutes, I was sufficiently educated/amazed and went to get back in line. The guy holding my place commented that it was a really dangerous thing I had done. I told him I was well back from the fire, and it wasn’t even very hot. He said, “No, not that, the two king cobras that came out of the grass behind you when you walked back”. I’m glad I hadn’t seen that, for sure. Gray Fox
Sounds like the seemingly impossible task I was given at Bragg. It was 1500, PSG said all of us doing landscaping could leave at 1700 if we got rid of the weeds in the mulch around the barracks. Some guys were pissed, because we couldn’t pick it all in time, and had no weed killer. I was a SPC at the time,and no NCOs had any good ideas, so I sent a PVT to go get us as many gallons of JP8 as he could find in cans. I had four guys block the view from the road while I walked down the raised bed and poured JP8 on each area of weeds. By the time 1700 came, all the weeds had shriveled from the fuel and sunlight, and blended in. PSG was unaware of our trickery, and merely glanced and nodded approval. He was a dick, but it forced creativity sometimes. Your story is way better, but thanks for bringing back that memory.
Military brat, longtime line worker, welder and truck driver. I always moved up fast and made a name, but bucked “the big promotion” over and over. One of the AEP guys asked me why I didn’t want the promotion. All I could say was that I’m an asshole just not that kind of asshole. I humbly present this explanation for our seeming sameitude.
Besides the three Arleigh Burke-Class Guided-Missile Destroyers that we have parked next to Venezuela they just ordered the Iwo Jima Amphibious Ready Group which is three ships full of irritable Marines and their equipment to join them.
So besides the roughly 128 cruise missiles that the Burkes have a full MEU is showing up.
If I was Maduro I would be a bit worried by this development.
War could be coming.
Your CSM suddenly remembered he could delegate ‘Authority’ but not ‘Responsibility’, lol. Great story.